IN DEFENSE OF CANADA GEESE
"Killing geese because they get in our way is a bit unfair. You can argue that we created the environment they live in, so too bad if we don't like it," says Peter Capainolo, a senior scientific assistant at the American Museum of Natural History. "Canada geese aren't the best neighbors, but that doesn't mean they deserve the death penalty." July 6, 2009 Time Magazine
Why Canada's Senate must be served
April 1, 2009
Last week, a member of our nation's esteemed Senate suggested Canada geese produce too much excrement and should be shot and fed to the poor.
Sen. Nancy Ruth said she has personally suffered at the hands of the poop-producing birds, noting she has been the victim of "swimmer's itch" as a result, whilst residing at her summer residence.
Having carefully considered Sen. Ruth's argument, we find ourselves in agreement -- save for one detail.
That is, we humbly suggest what should be served to the poor, is not the Canada goose.
True, they produce a lot of poop, but then again, who among us can claim otherwise -- even senators?
Further, what Canadian has not thrilled to the sight of Canada geese flying majestically overhead in their yearly migrations, set in their classic "V" formation, each bird in turn taking the lead position in the air to -- you should pardon the expression -- break the wind, for their fellow travellers?
Indeed, is not this selfless act of sacrifice for the common good the essence of what it means to be a Canadian?
Need we add Canada geese are known as devoted and protective parents, sending out a strong message of family values in that they typically mate for life?
Therefore, our only disagreement with the senator is that rather than serving up Canada geese to the poor, we would substitute our senators -- after they've had a few years to fatten themselves up on the public purse, of course.
Clearly, in contrast to the noble Canada goose, few Canadians know what a senator does, other than the fact that once a prime minister appoints him or her, they appear to be set for life.
Given this reality and undoubtedly driven by their sense of public service, we are confident Canada's senators will immediately see the wisdom of our modest proposal and clamour to be first in line to serve, or rather be served, to their fellow Canadians of lesser means.
With a tip of the hat to Jonathan Swift, on this April Fool's Day, of course.
-- Lorrie Goldstein